Preston Taguchimaker

Pujols. That's it. Just Pujols.

2009-07-09T10:33:00.005-05:00

Hey blog. It's been a long time since I blogged at you. But this morning I had a conversation with my dentist, a die-hard Cardinals fan displaced in central Texas just like me (big ups to Dr. Cordera!), about my lack of cavities and about The Pujols. At this point, he needs to be referred to exactly that way, just like you would some sort indomitable of force of nature, ie, The Tsunami, or The Himalayas. It's tough to quantify what he's doing, both in his career and in this season.

Let's start with career. Good news: two guys who are perhaps the best baseball writers alive, Bill James and Joe Posnanski, recently tackled this subject for Sports Illustrated . It's short and worth reading. Essentially, they conclude that there's never been a player who has opened his career with 9 seasons of dominance the way Pujols has, and in fact there have been two players who have ever put together 9 consecutive seasons at any time like he has thus far. Most recently, Paul Waner (1926-1934).

Within this unique career, 2009 may go down as his finest. What does the finest season by perhaps the best right handed hitter of all time look like? Through 81 games (half a season), 31 HR, 82 RBI, .336 BA. That half of a season would put him in MVP consideration most years.

But more interestingly, a friend of mine, Theosqua, wondered what half of Pujols' production would look like, including his slash stats (Batting Average, On Base Percentage, On Base Plus Slugging). Obviously, 16 HR and 41 RBI would be decent figures at the all star break. Is he truly twice the player of other guys in the league?

Here is the slash stats of Half-A-Poo

.168/.230/.370/.600

So, a 600 OPS - not very good. But stunningly, as good or better than a lot of players:

.168/.230/.370/.600 - Half a Poo
.234/.242/.359/.602 - Nick Stavinoha
.203/.240/.260/.500 - Aaron Miles
.219/.261/.324/.585 - Tyler Greene
.158/.256/.249/.505 - Andrew Jones (2008)
.232/.321/.278/.600 - Jason Kendall
.224/.276/.353/.628 - Jimmy Rollins
.267/.330/.337/.667 - David Eckstein
.214/.286/.359/.645 - Kelly Johnson
.244/.288/.301/.588 - Willy Taveras
.191/.277/.271/.548 - Brian Giles
.225/.302/.335/.637 - Garrett Atkins
.243/.276/.337/.612 - Jeff Francoeur

Another preseason note on the '09 Cardinals

2009-04-02T22:09:00.002-05:00

Our former phenom pitcher will be the starting center fielder.

Last year's left fielder, who hasn't played any other position since he was a freshman in college, will be the starting second baseman.

And a guy who was a minor league catcher until a few years ago looks to be our closer.

And I just today discovered that our likely backup thirdbaseman has the nickname "Joey Slapdick."

All sorts of wonderful things can, and probably will, go wrong with this season. But it will be an entertaining kind of catastrophe. In conclusion, baseball: (expletive) yeah.

The 2009 Cardinals: Treading Water Fast!

2009-02-15T11:51:00.002-06:00

The story of the 2009 Cardinals is a lot like the story of the 2008 Cardinals. That's because we didn't do much of anything this offseason, despite assurances from management that the team would "Be Aggressive" on the free agent and trade market. After making failed runs at Rockies outcasts Matt Holliday and Brian Fuentes, the aggression seems to have vanished.

At least the team made one good deal before giving up for the winter, citing "economic concerns" as justification for a payroll that will actually shrink by $5 million from last year. A minor league reliever and a player to be named were sent to the Padres for Reggie Cleveland All-Star shortstop Khalil Greene. Greene is a power hitting shortstop who fields at least average and has 25 HR power. The question is: was his .213 average (and more worrisome, .260 OBP) last season a product of injury and frustration on an awful team, or a sign of decline? It's tough to imagine the Cardinals with a shortstop who posts a worse OPS+ than Cezar Izturis (67), but last season Greene was 3 points woefully lower.

Otherwise, the team is the same. Isringhausen and his blown saves are gone, replaced by...nobody. Braden Looper and his total averageness in the 5th rotation spot is gone, replaced by....nobody. Aaron Miles was thankfully overpaid by the Cubs. And most notably, a week before spring trianing, the team cut its underperforming but fairly highly paid starting second basemen, Adam Kennedy, in order to replace him with absolutely nobody. Light hitting career outfielder Skip Schumaker (the namesake of the "maker" in this blog's name!) was handed an infielder's glove this week and told to try to figure out second base. Now that's a plan! It's either him or a magical assbag of rotating career-minor leaguer second baselets.

the good news for this team: The core of the lineup, which produced a 111 OPS+, tops in the NL, is unchanged and could be improved with the addition of Greene and possibly top dog center field prospect Colby Rasmus. Pujols is the reigning mvp and best player in baseball, regardless of A-Rod's current wisterol cycle. Ludwick and Ankiel should combine for 55 or more home runs again. Glaus is hurt, but in his wake are two of the team's best prospects - third basemen Freese and Wallace.

Really, despite the inaction and lack of substantive improvement, this team can compete under one very specific and fairly unlikely scenario: Chris Carpenter is healthy for all or most of the year. The former Cy Young has made something like 5 starts over the past 2 seasons, having had tommy john and some sort of nerve relocation surgery in his $55 million right arm. If Carpenter and Wainwright combine for 50 or more starts, that's a potent top of the rotation, which can be adequately rounded out by Kyle Lohse, Todd Wellemeyer, and a fifth guy like Piniero, Brad Thompson, or Mitch Boggs, whomever is working out. Without Carpenter, or if a fluke injury befalls Wainwright like the finger injury that cut half his season last year, suddenly those #5 guys are taking up the majority of the rotation, and doom abounds.

It'll be a fun season. The Cubs are still the team to beat in the NL Central, with a solid rotation and the offensive talents of Soriano, ARam, Derrek Lee, Soto, and now Milton Bradley (who should get along with Pineilla in a highly entertaining manner). Mike will probably preview the Astros, with comedic results. I can't even make fun of that team anymore. It's just too sad to watch.

In conclusion, thank Jesus, Yahweh, Vishnu, Buddha, Allah, and Hamuran that baseball is finally on its way back.

Cardinals Assured 2009 NL Central

2009-01-02T20:35:00.001-06:00

Aaron Miles Signs With Cubs.

Oops

2008-11-09T00:28:00.002-06:00

It looks like I haven't posted anything since June 2, 2008. Oops. Sorry about that. I didn't get to write about the rest of the season, which is a shame because we saw some interesting things: Ryan Ludwick continued to somehow have a .950+ OPS, Pujols tore up the league with only one functional elbow, Wellemeyer as a decent starter, and Chris Perez showing promise as a closer of the future.

But nobody is reading this now. Not even me. I think I spelled "the" wrong somewhere up there. Maybe Mike and I can renew our blog rivalry for '09. In the meantime, now is the baseball winter of our discontent.

Oh, and if Aaron Miles is back next year, I'm gonna be pissed.

I don't know anything about baseball.

2008-06-02T22:44:00.003-05:00

Todd Wellemeyer: National League Player of the Month.

The same Todd Wellemeyer who last year, midseason, was cut by the Royals after he couldn't hack it as a middle reliever for the worst team in baseball. The one who'd never started a game in his major league career.

And now, in 23 games for the Cardinals, all as a starter, is 9-2 with a 3.36 ERA.

Yep, I knew that was coming.

Well I'll be a monkey's uncle

2008-04-27T22:45:00.002-05:00

The Cards took 2 out of 3 from Mike's lowly Astros. Miguel Tejada aged 2 years while I was on vacation. Albert Pujols is getting on base 53% of the time. Kyle Lohse is undefeated. The Astros won 6 in a row before meeting their match in....the Cardinals?

The Cardinals, 6 games above .500, are a half game out of first approaching the beginning of May. First place teams around baseball include the Florida Marlins and a tie between the (Devil) Rays and the Orioles.

The longer I've watched baseball, the less I really know.

When is opening day not opening day?

2008-03-31T21:49:00.002-05:00

When rain wipes it out after 3 innings. Pujols had a home run, Ankiel had an RBI double, and the biggest miracle in modern history occurred when Izturis reached base in consecutive at bats.

Except that they didn't. None of that happened - musta been your mistake. Because Major League Baseball's rainout rules state that a game that doesn't last 5 innings and gets rained out didn't happen. Instead of resuming the game as it was when nature took its wicked course, the innings played disappear and the team that was down 5-1 when rain set in gets a blank slate at the makeup. That's just dumb.

I knew I could somehow blame Bud Selig for rain on opening day.

Physiology Of A Noncontender

2008-03-20T08:48:00.000-05:00

My friend and shopkeeper of this fine business venture, Mike, is correct in noting that the history of the Astros is long and pointless. While 40 years without a World Series victory is the average half-life of a Cubs fan, it's nothing to strive for as a franchise. The Astros debacle of 2005 (swept by the White Sox in embarrassing fashion) was a nice "me too" to the Cardinals debacle of 2004 (swept by the Red Sox in embarrassing fashion.)

But that was then, this is now. Mike has confided in his therapist and come to grips with the fact that the Astros won't contend in 2008. But given the Cards-Astros rivalry in the NL Central, I couldn't let that stand. Here are the seven reasons the Cardinals won't contend even more than the Astros won't contend this season. I'll reduce the reasons to body parts for simplification.

Elbow:

The elbow is clearly the new Achilles heel for the Cardinals. Last season, Chris Carpenter was banged up when he made his one and only start. Not long after, he experienced numbness in his right elbow. After a lot of unnecessary attempts at throwing his way through the problem, the ace of the team finally went in for Tommy John surgery in late July. Why that didn't happen earlier is anybody's guess. Carpenter will be out til the all-star break at the earliest, by which point this whole thing should be well out reach.

But that's not all! Losing your Cy Young winner for most of the year is just part one in the Year Of The Elbow. The Cardinals are treading thin baseball-ice with perennial MVP-candidate Albert Pujols, who has acknowledged that at some point he too will need Tommy John surgery. He's playing on borrowed time, just one tweak or awkward throw from deep in foul territory away from missing about a year of playing time. AP has said he won't play through the pain this year. The prospect of a Pujols-free lineup is making me consider seppuku. It's worth looking up.

Brain:

Simply put, the Cardinals are suffering from brain problems. Extending Edmonds to a two year deal at the end of his career, then dumping him for nothing and paying for him to play for the Padres. Signing Cesar Izturis and his .295 OBP for nearly $3 million. Bringing back Aaron Miles. Signing Juan Gonzalez in a deal that may force the return of impressive Rule V draft pick Brian Barton. The headcase that was Scott Spiezio. And, scariest of all, whatever boogiemen lurk within the psyche of ever-talented but ever-delicate Rick Ankiel, who was an unholy force up to but concluding precisely at the moment of his HGH revelation. This delicate blossom may be Pujols' lineup protection this season.

Arms:

Oh my God, the arms. After Adam Wainright, things go downhill quickly. Braden Looper, Anthony Reyes, Todd Wellmeyer, the possibly-deceased Mark Mulder and Matt Clement…all should serve up more hot taters than Waffle House. Former bullpen stalwarts Josh Kinney and Tyler Johnson are missing and presumed wounded. Scrapheap (and league average!) veteran Kyle Lohse is set to wander in off the streets, probably dressed in clothing made of the newspapers he slept on last night, to be our number 2 starter.

Feet:

As a team, the Cards stole 56 bases last year, 15^th out of 16 NL teams. I think Jose Reyes had that many by the all star break. Granted, stealing isn't exactly the most important element of winning baseball games. In fact, in many instances, the expected outcome of a stolen base attempt is not worth the risk. The team was 11^th in runs scored, probably because it ranked 14^th in slugging percentage.

So there you have it. Your physiological guide to the Cardinals' impending 2008 failure. It's not going to be what we baseball fans call "a winning season." But hold on to your pride, Redbirds. There are always two things we'll have that the Astros don't: A recent World Series ring and a second baseman who won't be missing the start of the season due to anal fissures.

Don't worry, everyone!

2008-03-14T15:09:00.000-05:00

We signed Kyle Lohse!

In 2007, Lohse had an even 100 ERA+. That means the number of runs he gave up per 9 innings was exactly, perfectly league average.

That's pretty good for a 4th or 5th starter; for most teams, those starters are below league average. A guy who is average gives you at least a 50% chance of winning; better when you have a good offense. Jeff Suppan once served this role for the Cardinals: Pretty average pitcher, but on a team with a dynamite offense and a number of other low-ERA starters, he won plenty of games. He even parlayed that success into a $30 mil contract with the Brewers.

The good news is, the Cardinals signed Lohse for only 1 year, $4.25 million - below league average. If he really sucks, it's not a crippling contract. If he's decent and the team contends, that's nice. If he's decent and we don't contend, he can be traded at the deadline for some type of (probably low) prospect. It's a good deal.

But it won't work out.

Lohse is the de facto #2 pitcher on a team that should struggle to score runs. If your second best pitcher is the definition of average, pitchers 3, 4, and 5 are all below average. We'll lose most of those games, break even when Lohse pitches, and maybe win more than we lose when our (also de facto) "ace" Wainwright pitches. That's a recipe for a losing season.

Sorry, I forgot to make this post entertaining, or bash Aaron Miles. Maybe next time!

An Auspicious Beginning

2008-02-28T10:09:00.000-06:00

Do not be fooled by what your calendar tells you; In Cardinals Nation, it is still 2007. A year where any number of magical things can happen: your manager falls asleep drunk behind the wheel, your outfielder is blinded by a foul ball, your relief pitcher is killed in a drunk driving accident, your utility guy goes to rehab.

Oh oh. Somebody should've kept that utility guy in Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab Center For People Who Are Barely, Kinda Celebrities.

"Utilityman Scott Spiezio was cut by the St. Louis Cardinals on Wednesday, released after being charged in a six-count complaint involving drunken driving and assault in a December car crash."

Six counts? That's pretty intense. I've been pretty drunk before, but never had a drinking excursion amount to more than, say, three criminal charges. How does one rack up six counts in one fell swoop?

"Irvine police responded to a report of a single-car crash at 12:20 a.m. on Dec. 30.

Officers found a 2004 BMW registered to Spiezio had crashed into a curb and fence. The driver was seen running from the crash site, Handfield said.

A neighbor told police Spiezio arrived at their condo complex appearing disheveled and apparently injured. The neighbor said Spiezio allegedly assaulted him, causing significant injuries, Handfield said."

Oh, that's how. Another story notes that Spiezio also vomited on the neighbor, or on his condo.

So it's a sad story all around; Spiezio, an unlikely hero in the 2006 playoffs, is probably done in baseball. He's also the man who gave the world this tattoo:

That's the class that the Cardinals organization stands for. Which gets to the point: Where is this franchise going? We've had the DUI of the manager, the DUI death of a player, the drunk driving smashup of another player. We're amassing a veritable Steroid All Stars team - Ankiel, Glaus, Ryan Franklin, and now the "Why Is He Even In Camp" Juan Gonzalez. These distractions are going to help a team rebuild towards the next successful stage? LaRussa even petitioned management to sign Barry Bonds. While Bonds is a player of tremendous OPS skills, even at this stage, he can't play the outfield. And, oh yeah, he's been indicted on federal charges and will be in court all year.

Preston Taguchimaker, where are you now? The Cardinals need you. You stunk, but at least we knew you were clean. Someone light up the Taguchimaker beacon!

(which is the silhouette of a batter swinging and missing at a slider in the dirt.)

Who's Ready for Baseball?

2008-02-16T17:07:00.001-06:00

I believe I am, thanks.

Baseball and Food Metaphors

2008-02-11T20:21:00.000-06:00

The St. Louis Cardinals of today are the baseball equivalent of the leftover Thanksgiving Turkey that you find in your freezer the following March, frozen solid, covered in fuzzy frost, and inedible. It looks almost exactly like the turkey that was so delicious at Thanksgiving dinner, and it even got the job done fairly well for a few days afterwards. But only now, rummaging through your freezer for sustenance, do you realize that keeping it around this long has left you with nothing but frozen, useless bird.

Cardinals management is guilty of a sin that countless teams before them have committed: Finding a very successful and popular core, and then keeping it together after its prime at the cost of building the next team. The ’04 Cardinals were Walt Jocketty’s masterpiece, a 105 win juggernaut with solid pitching, the “MV3 core” of Edmonds, Rolen, and Pujols in their primes, and valuable complimentary performances by Larry Walker, Reggie Sanders, and Edgar Renteria. Only the smoking hot Red Sox, coming off the greatest playoff series perhaps in baseball history, could take them down. The 2005 Cardinals threw in another 100 wins for good measure.

2006 should have been the year for rebuilding. Injuries took their toll on Edmonds, Rolen, and eventually Carpenter. It’s hell getting old. Walker had retired, and Sanders and Renteria departed for greener contractual pastures. A significant number of starts were given to people like Sidney Ponson and Jeff Weaver. But somehow, the same way that that leftover turkey still worked in a sandwich two weeks after turkey day, this team got hot in the playoffs, rode head-scratching performances from Jeffs Weaver and Suppan and Adam Wainwright pitching out of position as ace closer, and won the first Cardinals World Series since 1982. I was still in Velcro shoes back then. It felt like the ’06 championship was the postscript accolade that the earlier, truly dominant teams had earned.

The one unforgiveable sin made by management was the 2005 trade of young ace in the making Dan Haren, teenage slugging catcher Daric Barton, and useful middle reliever Kiko Calero for the disintegrating corpse of Mark Mulder. It’s easy to call a trade terrible in retrospect; this was a deal that looked bad from the moment it was made, and has proceeded to get worse with every passing season. Instead of building around young talent, the Cardinals tried to keep the good times rolling with more veterans. But veterans, particularly pitchers, get old in funny ways. Funny in the way that Taxi Driver is funny. Not so much ha ha funny.

And now you see the 2007 Cardinals. The team gave Edmonds, no longer a useful every day player, an extension, then had to dump him for a bag of unicorn tears the next season. Carpenter was given a huge extension, only to go out with Tommy John surgery. A series of tragic and ridiculous and embarrassing events befell this team; LaRussa’s spring training DUI, the drunk driving death of Josh Hancock, Rick Ankiel’s triumphant return and then HGH shame, Scott Spiezio’s trip to rehab, the tragic and career-ending blinding of Juan Encarnacion when he took a foul ball to the eye in the on-deck circle, and the pouty craptacularness of post-injury Scott Rolen. This was a team that suddenly had like those 90 cent off-brand hotdogs you see on sale at the grocery store: mostly sawdust and filler.

The problem is, only Walt Jocketty seemed to recognize this. He addressed the problem by resigning after the season. After a lot of handwringing, LaRussa decided to come back. That scared off all of the GM candidates who didn’t want to see Tony giving scrappy veterans like Aaron Miles 500 at bats over their useful acquisitions, so the team gave Jocketty’s understudy the job. The big offseason acquisitions proved to be, first Cezar Izturis (OPS+ of 69) to form, along with Adam Kennedy, a middle infield that can only be described as “poop in a bag,” and second, the straw-based remainder of Matt Clement. Mozeliak managed to get rid of poutypuss Rolen and his 8 home runs for Troy Glaus and his bag of magical HGH beans – a downgrade on defense, but a legit cleanup hitter threat that Pujols has been begging for since Edmonds and Rolen dropped off.

There will be precious few things to look forward to for Cardinals fans in 2008. One interesting wild card is Rick Ankiel, phenom pitcher turned headcase turned slugging outfielder. He should get a full season in center and right field this season, and how he does is anybody’s guess. He hit 43 homers between AAA and the pros last year. Anything is possible: He could hit that many for the Cardinals, or he could get spooked by his shadow and retire from baseball. The other bit of excitement for fans is Colby Rasmus, Baseball America’s #3 prospect in the game. Only 21, he hit 29 homers with a .932 OPS in the minors last season, and he’s reported to have amazing defense in center with great speed. Rasmus is likely to start the season in AAA, however.

The encouraging news, though, is that it may be a few years late, but the Cardinals are finally starting to develop young talent and not dump it for broken pitchers. An outfield of Ankiel, Rasmus, and Chris Duncan could hit 100 homeruns (and misjudge 100 popups), and all three are under 28. That’s the upside.

The downside is that this is a rotation that will prominently feature Joel Piniero, Braden Looper, Matt Clement (if he pitches at all), and Anthony Reyes, who this season should prove whether he is what he appears to be: a failed prospect. There’s not much hope for this team to finish above .500. But it should at least struggle to the finish line in an entertaining fashion.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008 Cardinals. At least we’re throwing out the turkey.

What's In A Name?

2008-02-11T15:46:00.001-06:00

Hello everyone. My name is Josh. I grew up in St. Louis but went to college with baseballwallets.com purveyor and uberbaseball fan Mike Austin. I'm an environmental lawyer and a foremost expert on American cheese. Mike asked me to write this blog, a chance to explore why my chosen team, the Cardinals, is both better than your favorite team, but also will suck more this upcoming season too. You can really have it all as a Cards fan.

I figured I should just start off by explaining the name of this blog. One of the most vexing aspects of being a current Cardinals fan is Tony LaRussa's insistence on giving lots of playing time to highly worthless players who he feels have more "intangibles." Veteran leadership. Grit. Hustle. Gristle. This results in lots of starts being given to retreads like Sid Ponson and Kip Wells, and innumerable at bats for the likes of Black Hole of OPS Aaron Miles (henceforth known as BHOPSAM. He's back for 2008! Oh boy!)

Hence, a few years ago, I combined a few of the team's least talented, but most prominently featured, players into one borg-like fictional person: Preston Wilson (the old and injured outfielder), So Taguchi (powerless, speedless, but still plays almost every day), and Skip Shumaker (see: Taguchi, So) became "Preston Taguchimaker." When looking at the lineup every day, I would often say things like "Oh, Adam Kennedy has a hangnail. Time for another start by Preston Taguchimaker!" Or, in a late-game situation where we need a righthanded power bat off the bench, I can yell at the TV, "Tony! This is a perfect chance to squander an important at bat on Preston Taguchimaker!"

So, as 2008 dawns, I decided to pay tribute to this unsung amalgam of all that is wrong with the Cardinals by naming my blog after them. So Taguchi and Preston Wilson may be gone (Is he? He might still be in the locker room getting iced down. Someone should check on this), but their spirit lives on. Particularly when Aaron Miles gets 500 at bats this year. Awesome.